By RUSSELL IRVING
www.DontOverlookTheObvious.com
While many a couple will be happily enjoying Valentine’s Day pleasures, there will certainly be too many who will not only be dreading the day, but who will suffer through it, the best they can.
Who am I referring to? Simply the husbands and wives who love their spouse, but find their partner has transformed the marriage into one without sex and other physical affection.
And where Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the epitome of expressions of romantic love, this day can bring some spouses incredible inner pain.
Where can you find these folks who stay in the marriage for assorted reasons? You need look no further than on Internet forums, Facebook, in eavesdropped conversations (spoken in whispers), at taverns, in locker rooms, or cafes. Basically anywhere.
Promises made to ‘Love and to cherish’ their husband or wife, lasted for a while. And then…perhaps the birth of children and a new role…maybe it’s 70+ hour, high stress work weeks…health issues…confessions that they never truly enjoyed sexual contact and so now they…
Let me be clear: These frustrated spouses are not typically wives and husbands who have unusually high sex drives. Or who are ‘affection exhibitionists’…these are ‘regular’ folks. People who married someone that they believed would devote some amount of physical and emotional energy toward the highs and satisfaction derived from spousal contact.
Whether desiring to cuddle. Or kiss ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’. To hold hands. Receive and offer a neck or back rub. To have intercourse or foreplay more than once every six months or year.
To be fair, women and men experience all sorts of hormonal changes over time. Men can find themselves impotent or too used to climaxing far too soon. And neither gender might wish to consume the ‘little blue pill‘ or risk the effects of estrogen replacement therapy.
But there are alternatives, if the spouses are open to them. Simple and random acts of affection might be enough to satisfy many ‘starving’ spouses. There are pills and creams to assist those who are willing to try them. There are new ways to express sexual feelings and the need to simply be acknowledged as an attractive partner in life.
Affairs, for some who indulge in these, are in fact driven by wives and husbands who decide, single-offhandedly that their marriage should be largely platonic.
Both women and men tend to not marry their best platonic friend. They instead opt for spending their life with someone who finds them sexually attractive and for whom the feelings are mutual.
I have heard people ask how total abstinence in a marriage is any less of a breaking of the marital vows than having an affair?
Common questions also include: Where is the compromise to be found? Is physical affection or sex, simply once or twice a year, an equitable balance? 1 or 2 nights out of 365? — Does my happiness not mean anything to my partner? — Are they wanting me to go elsewhere for my needs? — Why am I considered selfish? — Don’t I do things that I do not want to do? Go to work, every day… Cook meals and clean the home… Visit relatives or run errands…
Many of these ‘hungry’ women and men remain in the marriage because they wish to be with their children daily. Or for financial reasons. Or because they decide that their love for their spouse is strong enough to justify staying.
The reality is that many of these folks will become bitter and begin to show their frustration and resentment at home or at work.
I remember a woman, decades ago, who worked in human services. Her businessman husband stopped showing her physical affection. She eventually sought outlets in affairs, but she hated it.
What’s interesting is that the one espousing the platonic relationship can find all sorts of justification for changing the ‘rules’ of their marriage. — They’re tired. They find what happens in the bedroom to be boring. They decide, unilaterally, that they are no longer attractive, so they don’t want to ‘expose’ themselves, if you will. They want time alone without being bothered.
Fact is that many of these reasons are obviously valid on some level, but they also show great selfishness. If their spouse was constantly demanding sex or hugs & kisses, that would be different. But marriage is supposed to be fulfilling to both partners.
So far I haven’t mentioned those who use sex as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Or as a ‘weapon’ to get back at their spouse for a real or imagined situation.
Worse yet are the spouses who proclaim that their partner is free to seek a divorce if they are so unhappy. Wow! A dagger to the heart! This essentially says that some major marital decisions are theirs alone to make, things will never change, and most importantly, they cannot find sufficient joy in pleasing their wife or husband…That divorce and breaking-up the family is easier to do, than to maintain their marital vows and the accompanying, typical expectations for a married life.
Okay, so I have covered the problem. But is there a solution? A workable one?
Unfortunately, there will be some marriages where this problem will not resolve itself well. Simply because it requires both parties to not only actually compromise, but because action might come too late. Too many hurt feelings and animosity to overcome.
Happily, there are steps to take. Perhaps a recognition that there are multiple ways to climax. That subtle ‘public’ signs of affection are fine. That often once you begin sexual foreplay, it can be easy to ‘get in the mood’. That if boredom or a strong dislike for how you both make love is the issue, then verbal communication can be truly helpful.
Did you notice that I have very much included women as ‘sufferers’, if you will, in this situation? That’s because they are. And the media has a responsibility to make something of that, for the benefit of both genders.
‘Nuff said!
Russell Irving is a media-acclaimed, expert on Single Life, Marriage, and more. – His book, Improve Your Marriage – Don’t Overlook The Obvious applies to couples in a ‘long term relationship’ and is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com, as well as the book’s companion site, www.DontOverlookTheObvious.com . Check out his YouTube channel, ImprovingMarriages. His Facebook page is: Russell Irving. Follow him on Twitter at: RussIrving.
