By DAMON YOUNG
You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her: F*ck you
This disturbingly candid (or, would “candidly disturbing” work better?) example of the type of parent I’m probably going to be is the last paragraph of “Why “Daddy Issues” Don’t Really Exist” — an article where I argue that if every strange thing a woman does can be explained away with “daddy issues,” then perhaps they don’t exist. And, while “please don’t blame a hug you didn’t get in 2018 for your relationship issues in 2038” is definitely sage advice, I don’t think that’s quite enough.
Today, I’ve decided to share nine more bits of fatherly advice I’d give my (non-existent) teenager daughter if she actually decides to exist one day.
2. Just assume that every man you meet from now until you’re, I don’t know, 53(?) would sleep with you if given the opportunity
This doesn’t mean that every man you meet is going to try to. This also doesn’t mean that sleeping with you is all any man is ever going to want from you. There will be men who’d give their left testicle just for five minutes of your time. Men who’d build a bridge across Lake Michigan if that’s what it took to you see you. Men who will want to debate you, make fun of you, hear your opinions about “Amistad” and Meek Mill, build houses for you, sit in silence with you, lay next to you, travel with you, learn from you, teach you, learn about you, take you to IKEA, and grow old with you. But, the man wanting to sleep with you is the foundation for all of that, and you’d be wise never to forget that.
Shit, as much as I love your mother, you wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t want to tear her clothes off the first time I saw her at
the Ole Country Buffet hovering over a plate of steamed broccoli while her thong was peaking out ever so slightly from her two toned silver vintage stretch pants church.
3. When in doubt, break up
Relationship drama is for grown ups. And by “grown-ups” I mean “old motherfuckers.” If you’re 21 years old, and you and your boyfriend are going through some serious adversity, break the hell up with him. No need to be “working through” anything if you’re still not even old enough to serve in the House of Representatives.
I know this seems cold, but your youth should be the time when you’re having as much fun as you possibly can, not losing sleep because some janky cat with lint on his lips is going through some depression and you don’t know how to help him. You really want to know the best way to get through to him? Say “deuces” and let him figure that shit out for himself.
4. Learn how to ***insert word that rhymes with “pastorgate”***
I’m telling you this now because you’ll likely be a much happier person if you’re able to, um, make yourself happy without the assistance of others. If you need more details, you should probably go ask your mom. Or one of your white classmates.
5. Eat your vegetables
I hate (most) vegetables, but your mom seems to love them. Since your mom is unfathomably attractive — and since unfathomably attractive women have (somewhat) easier lives — I’d suggest you start emulating her. Eat your veggies and shit.
6. When in dating doubt, always err on the side of making things harder for the guy
He needs to convince you that he’s worthy of being in your life, not the other way around.
7. When in relationship doubt, err on the side of making things easier
You have carte blanche to be a bit of an asshole while you’re single and dating. In fact, I encourage it. Once a guy has proven himself worthy and “won” you, though, you can start buying him gum and sleeping in the wet spot and shit.
8. I know I’m your father and you love me and shit, but don’t try to date men like me
I’m an awkward asshole who only tricked your mother into marrying me because I told her the Sultan of Brunei is my second cousin on my dad’s side. Your best strategy would be to avoid all assholes, awkward and, um, unawkward, regardless of how attractive and “unique” they seem to be. You can usually easily spot them, too. They’re the ones who intrigue you and make you feel a little tingly because they literally do not give a fuck about you or anything you do.
I actually don’t expect you to follow this advice, but if you did, it would save you a shitload of unnecessary heartache.
9. Throughout life, you’re going to meet women who say things like “I never really got along with other women.” Avoid these women the same way Antonio Cromartie avoids condoms.
10. Throughout life, you’re going to meet men who say things like “I’m not like every other guy.” If you happen across a man like this, kick him in the nuts.
- It’s In His Kiss (snspost.com)
- Five Types of Men From Most to Least Desirable (snspost.com)
- Monogamy Doesn’t Mean Monotony (snspost.com)
- What Does It Mean to Be Faithful? (snspost.com)
- Approach Love With Abandon (snspost.com)